Kindness and Gratitude

I want to take this post to be thankful. I’ve talked a lot about people who have said inappropriate things over the years in my effort to improve relationships and create more sensitivity and dialogue. It doesn’t change that what people may have said in my past was hurtful, but I feel like I’ve come out the other side to a place where I realize that most everything is said with good intentions. I feel much calmer now and I can recognize where the other side is coming from - something that even a year ago was still difficult for me. On the other hand, I have been the recipient of so much kindness, especially over the past 6 months since opening up about our infertility on facebook and especially recently after starting a blog.

I have learned that the more vulnerable we make ourselves, the more open we are to receiving love, support, and kindness. I used to believe otherwise. Two of the reasons I didn’t open up earlier was because of fear of receiving criticism and unsolicited advice, and that I didn’t want people to pity me. Pity and sensitivity are 2 different things - I wanted others to be sensitive to my situation, but not to pity me. We all get dealt different cards in life, and everyone is dealing with something with various levels of challenge, and I have no interest in receiving pity from others.

Now that we are open I have received messages from people all over the world sharing kind words and support, there was even a woman in the Philippines that messaged me! Kindness from complete strangers who have no connection to me whatsoever, who have sometimes also experienced infertility, some other illness, a hardship, or are simply touched by our story. We’ve had friends and even acquaintances from our past (I’m talking elementary school here) reach out to say they are with us and wish they could help more. I have been privileged to have heard other women’s and men’s stories of infertility and thank them for sharing with me. After I wrote about invisible illnesses, many reached out to me about how they or a loved one also suffer from an invisible illness and they know the feelings I wrote about, offering words of support and ways to deal with it. We are all interconnected, part of a larger network, and I am so happy to see that we really can all support each other, even if we barely know each other.

(c) Rebecca Schwartz

A few months ago I spoke with a woman who had her children through surrogacy. Her road was very bumpy and full of heartbreak. Even though we had just met over the phone, she was so helpful and open and said I could talk to her whenever I needed to as she understands what I’m going through. I loved her line, “Us infertiles must stick together,” and I often use it when talking to others.

I am thankful for all the small and large acts of kindness we have received. Firstly, for our families who we know are always there for us. When we lived in Israel, before moving to Toronto we lived at my in-laws’ just outside Afula, and I was still doing fertility treatments in Jerusalem where we previously lived (about 2 hours away). In order to get to the clinic before 9am, I had to take the 6am bus. This was absolutely exhausting. I’d wake up at 5am, get on the bus by 6am, go to the clinic, and hope to take the 10:30am bus back. My father-in-law wakes up around 5am every morning to get to work, and was always so helpful in the mornings and would offer to take me to the bus station when I wasn’t driving there on my own. Upon returning home, everyone in the house gave me my space to just be tired and kind of bitter. In Toronto, my dad would go into work early on clinic days so that he could drive me there for 7am. My cousins who live on the other side of our backyard in Toronto always offer to have us over for a beer if we need a change of scenery. Friends often message us just to check in and see how we’re doing. Friends I’m not even close with have offered to put us in touch with women they know who have had children through surrogacy, or rabbis who would be open to increasing discourse within our community. People who have offered to pray for us and Jews who have requested our Hebrew names for prayer. There are people I was friends with in middle school and high school who like my posts every week, shared my page, and one has even offered to help me promote my posts if I wanted to. I am hopeful that by sharing my blog, we can help so many other people - ultimately this is the goal. What I’m trying to say is that I appreciate all those who are close to us and those who have come out of the woodwork and complete strangers. Thank you all for your kindness and support as we continue on this challenging journey.

On Friday afternoon I was working from home and the doorbell rang. My dog freaked out, like she always does, but there was a man at the door with a long red box that had the word ‘bloom’ on it. Someone had sent flowers! I held my dog back as she was doing her “I’m so scary” bark, and my mom answered the door. She looked at the box and said, “Rebecca, it’s for you!” Nobody has ever sent me flowers, not even my husband... Well, I opened the box and inside I found beautiful multi-coloured tulips, a vase, 2 boxes of Godiva chocolate, and a card from one of my closest friends on the other side of the country saying that she’s thinking of us, reading our blog, and they wanted to send spring flowers of support. I was so touched and grateful and it totally made my day. This was a grand gesture and completely unexpected. I realized that it doesn’t take a lot to brighten up someone’s day and we really have no idea most of the time what others are going through. The truth is, a little bit of kindness goes a long way (as cliche as that may sound), and I am so thankful for friends, family, and complete strangers who have been there to support us and share their love.

(c) Rebecca Schwartz