Offering Support to Infertiles

There are a number of reasons why we were so quiet for so long about our infertility situation. One was that we were hopeful. We kept thinking, why tell everyone if it’s going to work this month? It was also just a painful topic to talk about and we didn’t want any unsolicited advice from people who really aren’t familiar with the process. Once we did start telling people who were close (immediate family and one or two of my close friends), the type of support is very conventional (I’ll explain what I mean by this very soon) and usually not helpful. In fact, it often makes the feelings worse and would just make me angry. I would remind myself that it’s coming from a good place, etc etc, they love me etc, but would mostly just piss me off.

I think back to early situations of offering support to friends. When I was a kid and a friend would fall, we would say something like “Don’t cry. It’s just a scrape. Let’s get it cleaned up and we’ll put a bandaid on it and everything will be okay.” Most support ends with “and everything will be okay”. Later in life it was “my boyfriend broke up with me” and the response is along the lines of “you were too good for him. He doesn’t deserve someone as amazing as you. You’ll find someone better. Time will heal and everything will be okay.” Seeing the pattern?

As infertiles, here is what we usually hear as support. It’s pretty conventional and no one’s fault. It’s just what we learn as what to say when we support someone. It also usually works in most other situations. This is personal, so for me, these don’t work, but everyone is different. Again, these are totally normal things to say to people going through difficult times. Warning: some of it may sound harsh.

(c) Rebecca Schwartz

In my experience (again, my own), couples who don’t want kids are pretty vocal about it. They’re not shy about the decision they’ve made, and are quite confident at stating the fact. So these can also apply to couples that you know who don’t have kids yet who aren’t saying they don’t want kids.

Just relax and it will happen / Don’t be stressed 

Well, it’s really hard to be relaxed when you get 5 blood tests a week and an internal ultrasound 5 times a week and have to wake up at 5:30am to get to the clinic 5 times a week and then function perfectly at work after as if you aren’t utterly exhausted and didn’t have the morning from hell, and have huge ovaries, and have yet another surgery coming up next week… Phew! I think I’m actually quite relaxed for someone in this situation.

I know someone else who went through infertility and when they stopped trying she got pregnant naturally with twins! 

Ugh!!! If I had a dollar every time someone said this to me I would be so rich. The issues I have can’t be solved by stopping IVF. I’m sure this other woman had different issues (there are hundreds if not thousands of potential reasons for infertility) or perhaps her pregnancy is a miracle! Would you tell someone else to stop medical treatment for any other disease and rely on miracles? I know you’re trying to instill hope, but it really just makes me feel frustrated and that you don’t understand the nightmare I’m going through.

Don’t lose hope

I’ve been hopeful for years and this feels like a big test of how to be hopeful in a crappy situation.

Have you tried x y or z treatment?

If you’re not a doctor and aren’t also going through fertility treatments, or actually have real knowledge about what treatments entail, don’t ask about x, y, or z treatment. I’ve tried all the treatments, more than you know about.

Have you been tested for x y or z?

That test likely has nothing to do with my issue or probably infertility in general. Again, if you don’t know about the tests, maybe it’s better not to say anything. If you do actually know, then maybe you can offer something helpful.

Stop exercising / lifting weights / other physical activity (it’s bad for your uterus)

There is this huge misconception that lifting weights or exercise will make a uterus fall out or injure it somehow. This simply isn’t true. Doctors encourage exercising and I love it! In any event, talking to your doctor about your favourite exercise or activity is wise.

Have you tried eating / stopped eating x y or z? Or doing acupuncture?

I’ve tried eating everything that could possibly help my situation. All food that I’ve read about that could possibly help, I have eaten - no matter how gross (or delicious). I have taken different kinds of Chinese herbal remedies - again, no matter how gross. I have been to different acupuncturists. I have done reiki. I’ve been to different naturopathic doctors. I’ve gone off sugar, including all fruit except for apples and lemons. I have done pretty well everything (as have most others), continue to do so, and highly recommend all of the above. 

Have you thought about adoption?

Is adoption just for the infertile? With the ability to make our own embryos (we even have some frozen), adoption isn’t on our radar. Did you (person asking the question) consider adoption? Adoption is an excellent choice for all couples no matter what their fertility status if that's what you want to do.

Have you seen my friend (who you don’t really know)’s baby? Omg how cute is s/he!!!

Honestly, I love my friends’ babies and feel like an aunt to some of them, but if I don’t really know them, I don’t really care to see or hear about their baby while I’m trying so hard to make one.

You have the freedom to do whatever you want! 

What I would give right now to have a sleepless night with a crying baby... 

You’re still young

You may think this offer’s some hope, but the fact that we’re young doesn’t take away from the years of suffering. And for baby-making, being in our 30s isn’t exactly young.

Everything will work out in the end

I’m so glad that you’re a prophet or a psychic! You don’t actually know that everything will work out, so saying it isn’t really helpful like in other situations where it probably is. Has my doctor told you something he hasn’t told me? Because he didn’t tell me that everything will work out in the end. And neither has my uterus.

I know some of this sounds harsh. But fear of receiving support, since it’s usually this kind of conventional support, is why I stopped going out with friends and would often not want to see family. Not because I don’t enjoy their company or love them, but because these conversations are just too hard to endure. Better to avoid it at all costs.

Here are some things that are useful to say. And what goes through my head.

Don’t ask

As mentioned earlier, if I didn’t want to have kids, I would be very vocal about it. I know you’re dying to know what’s going on and why we don’t have children. It’s just too hard to talk about right now. Let me speak about it on my own terms. I’ll bring it up if I want to talk about it. Now it’s gotten easier, but I often still have to psyche myself up to discuss the issue.

Just listen

Sometimes, just listening is all that is needed. If you’re not sure what to say, simply don’t say anything. Don’t offer any advice for something you don’t really understand. Listening can be really helpful and just agreeing with our frustrations (like, “yes, that does sound really difficult.” or “I can’t believe that happened! I can’t imagine what that must have been like”).

You’re really strong

Thank you! I don’t always feel so strong. In fact, most days I feel pretty beaten up and fake a happy face. That’s such nice encouragement! It’s been so tough going through all this and you’re right, I am strong.

I admire you

Well, aren’t you sweet! I admire you too.

I’m here for anything you need. At any time.

It’s always great to hear something like this. I’m so touched and moved. Thank you. That really means a lot.

I love you (said only to appropriate people) or I care about you and what you’re going through

I love you too! Thanks for sharing your love and support. Really appreciate it.

Hugs

Hugs are powerful. I like hugs. Sometimes I just need a hug. (sidenote - not everyone is into hugs. Make sure you know if the person likes hugs)

If you know the person you’re speaking with is looking for a surrogate you can say:

I know someone who used a surrogate to complete their family. Do you want me to put you in touch with her?

Absolutely! The more info I have on this the better. Thank you so much!

I know this woman who was a surrogate. Do you want me to ask her if she’d talk to you?

Yes! Definitely! Even if she’s not interested in doing it again, it would be great to hear her story and maybe she knows another woman who wants to.

I hope this has been helpful. Perhaps it will lead to more pleasant and supportive sensitive conversations about infertility and less anger and frustration all around.